Well, yes, we’ve made progress. But we keep fighting the ubiquitous unremitting youth culture and all the stereotypes we’re expected to fit: wear subdued clothes, speak in subdued tones, don’t curse, don’t go to certain places–especially alone, curtail our physical activities, keep searching for a partner, give up, reconcile, accept the despair of ruined goals.
More: our culture encourages the assumption of inevitable physical decline: sagging everything; succumbing to assisted living camps; platoons of pills for every malady Medicare covers; loneliness; depression; loss of all interest, creativity, hope, and pleasure. Who the hell decreed these?
Somehow, too, I must apologize for getting old, being old, looking old. The other day, I was sitting in the front passenger seat as my friend drove up to a building gate. She rolled down the window and the greeter directed us to the valet, motioning to me. “I don’t want her to walk.” Maybe he was being considerate, but I didn’t smile and under the window held up my middle finger.
What gave him the right to presume this? Maybe I’m still kidding myself that I don’t look “that” old. As if it’s my fault. Granted, in New Thought principles, which I believe, we are all responsible for how we look. Some yogis in mounting decades look 28. Why not us?
And people say “A woman your age shouldn’t . . . .” What? Exercise vigorously, make love, eat an occasional piece of fried chicken, work? Or “A woman your age should . . . .” What? Walk gingerly, wear three sweaters outside in the summer, visit doctors incessantly, retire?
I won’t succumb, dammit. Who is dictating to me? Plenty of women have refused to accept the so-widely-accepted limitations.
Aren’t all those supposedly unassailable predictions because people have already been observed that way? Based on such inviolate statistics, the great scientists and pollsters then conclude that everyone else has to follow that pattern. What about other women—the ones who defy the statistics?
Older Women’s Defiances
A few . . .
At 85 in 2022, painter of African American subjects Shirley Woodson had no plans to give up her painting. “I love art, and I love my culture, and I want to contribute to it for as long as I can.”
New York City socialite and beauty Joyce Carpati, now in her 90s: “I don’t try to look young, and I don’t want to look young. I want to look terrific.”
Joan freaking Collins at 91 looking as young and glamorous as ever (and even though she denies it, can be forgiven some face surgery).
Yoga teacher and ballroom dancer Tao Porchon-Lynch at 93 teaching yoga in New York City.
Carmen Dell’Orefice, a lifelong model with white hair, working at 93.
Businesswoman Deborah Szekely continuing to run her resort in Baja, California—at 102.
In Maine, the “Lobster Lady,” Virginia Oliver, has been harvesting lobsters for most of her life. She likes “being out on the water and being your own boss. I’m the boss. I’m not going to retire, I’m going to do this till I die.” She’s 104.
My older friend in pink from head to toe, with matching handbag and nails. Her friend who lives alone—at 105!
My other friend, letting her white grow out, a proud shining crown, and cursing big as we burst out laughing.
My Defiances
I wear bright colors and pastels, even shorts, and big drop earrings.
I live alone—and, after years of marriage, love it. When I tell my married women friends, they shuffle their feet and look uncomfortable.
I exercise daily, bending and stretching in challenging yoga, and feel wildly self-righteous.
I work constantly at editing and writing, full days and evenings, flexing my creativity and often luxuriating in the Flow.
I send out my work relentlessly, swallowing all the rejections, and sometimes, to my astounded joy, get acceptances and publishing.
And never want to “retire.”
I’m constantly curious and learning, reading, internet exploring, and join almost nightly Zoom classes.
I sometimes get delicious crushes on younger men and feel 30. (So what if I could be their mother, or grandmother?)
I love to hear myself with a hearty mouth-and-tongue-exploding “Fuck!”
Use my vibrator regularly.
I keep delving into greater spirituality (no, not contradictory).
And I now have many friends and acquaintances who do the same.
Are we breaking the Creased ’n Crinkled Ceiling? I certainly hope so. Like the examples above, we need more and more women who have the courage and audacity to keep living fully. To discover, inquire, do, go, reject all those limitations, live live live our lives to the fullest. And defy the so-called inevitable stereotypes and predictions, even at certain ages.
Author, editor, writing coach, and spiritual counselor, Noelle Sterne, PhD, has published many pieces in literary and academic venues. Her handbook, Challenges in Writing Your Dissertation, addresses doctoral candidates’ dissertation-related woes. In Trust Your Life: Forgive Yourself and Go After Your Dreams, Noelle helps readers reach their lifelong yearnings. https://trustyourlifenow.com